From the streets of Kingston upon Thames near Argyll House yesterday, an amateur paparazzi captured Mr. Fanimal Peperami, a popular European meat snack mascot, in the act of stealing a motor bike. Not to be interrupted by the flash of the digital camera, Peperami was seen bending two paper clips until they fit into the small key slot of a Harley-Davidson Sportster. Seconds later, the same young photographer heard the roar of the large cylinder engine as the "Harley" sped out into traffic behind a red double-decker bus.
Nearly running over an elderly Mr. Timothy Farnsworth who was innocently crossing the street, Peperami raised his greasy pork arm to signal a turn but hit Farnsworth in the face, launching his false teeth across the road and into the bread pudding of one Mrs. Edna Willingham of 39 Brook Street. Having lunch at that local Café, Mrs. Willingham told reporters, "I was able to eat the pudding with my own teeth, thank you very much." When asked about the assault in the street Mr. Farnsworth responded, "Bruddy animar. Gib me back my teef." Police officials are holding the teeth as evidence, hoping to lift Fanimal's fingerprint off the denture plate.
Authorities in Kingston admitted that they have no leads in tracking the internationally known meat stick and felon, but had opened a telephone reward line for tips as to his whereabouts. The next day, Police reported receiving a call from a young female at a pub some 30 kilometers away in Frogmore, west of Kingston upon Thames. The woman had reportedly met Peperami the night before at "The Red Cow" on Radlett Road, where Fanimal had bonded immediately with the dedicated but still bitter football fans of the English National team. "He started hanging out with the boys, but later shifted his attention to the ladies." Recalled Gwyneth Gumberland, the telephone tipster. "After that, he had his hands all over us. It was disgusting and yet somehow exciting at the same time."
Additional details were provided by Gumberland as police continued the interview. "Fanimal started to get a little too fresh with some of the girls, and one in particular whose boyfriend was standing at the bar. One good drop kick from the boyfriend's boot, and the sausage was out in the street. We could all hear him start up his bike and ride away."
Gumberland continued her story with reporters after her interview with the Frogmore police. She was visibly saddened as she recalled the events of the evening and Fanimal's exit from the bar. "He was a really nice guy after all." Gumberland stood against the red brick wall of the Frogmore police station with a pork oil-stained blouse and disheveled hair, with one final heart-felt plea, "Fanimal, if you're still out there and reading this article, call me."