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Monday, 29 September 2008

image for New high-speed rail link for Heathrow
The buffet car on the new sub-six minute Heathrow rail link doesn't expect to be too busy.

A new high-speed rail link is being installed in Heathrow to help take the pressure off intercity flights and add a more 'green' aspect to air travel.

The "Heathrow high-speed rail link" as it will be called, will operate between Terminal 1 and Terminal 5, 24 hours a day, 7 days week, or throughout the entire year, whichever is more convenient.

Director of Terminal 5, Willy Wontcha said:

"This marks a new generation in high-speed rail travel. Passengers will be able to shave at least 40 seconds off the current 6 minute transfer time. On the basis of thousands of people using the service every day, I can't even begin to calculate the absolute hundreds of journey hours saved in total, because I haven't a calculator with me and actually, I'm quite thick. But I do know they'll be getting nowhere quicker.

"This new super-train will feature all the mod cons expected of an international transfer service, the biggest mod con, of course, in true BAA fashion, being the price of the tickets.

"Although it is a journey of only just over 5 minutes, we will provide a full range of high-speed train facilities. We propose to offer the customer a superb choice of tickets - there will be first class (free seats), business class (free copy of the FT), standard class (free copy of the Mail), working class (free copy of the Sun) and lower class (no seats).

"There is the option of a single journey, return, family, couple, weekly, divorcees, quarterly and annual tickets. There are advance tickets, economy advance, super advance, pay as you go, pay as you queue and even special offers for the dead.

"There are also discounts for pensioners and reduced rates for juniors who produce a valid "Heathrow high-speed rail link" ID card, which travellers can conveniently pick up before their journey (subject to a CRB, production of three forms of photo ID, two passport-sized photos, three utility bills, a permission form signed by an MP, Judge, Magistrate or Jade Goody, shirt collar size, number of dental fillings, brand of deodorant used and proof that you are a resident of the EU and that you have a valid TV licence)

"Alternatively, just give us a quid and we'll get you one."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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