Scientists at the John Denver University, West Virginia claim that comics, idiots and half-wits, live on average fifty years longer than the 'serious tossers' of the world.
"Paul Newman is dead"
Professor Pitkin said " the recent death of Paul Newman proves that funny men live longer. Steve McQueen was far more serious than Paul Newman and he died thousands of years ago. 'Little Paul' with his 'comedy height' and 'boiled egg eating skills' has only just passed to the other side.
" Steve McQueen died some time ago"
Professor Pitkin also cited other funny men that are still alive to prove his un-researched point " Jerry Lewis, Norman Wisdom, Reg Varney, Leslie Phillips are all alive today because they are nature's buffoons".
" Yul Bryner died also, but in 'Westworld' he was a robot who couldn't die"
"Mo Howard from the three Stooges was the funniest one and he lived to be a thousand years old, that is conclusive proof in anyone's book. George Formby may have not been the best looking man in the world.... infact he wasn't the best looking man in a freak circus, but he lived until he was 150 years old and as for George Burns he was 50,000 years when he died" said the rambling professor.
" William Shatner's poor acting skills have made him the funniest man in the world says prof "
After seeing William Shatner's latest 'serious' film the Prof Pitkin predicted he will live for the next billion years. "I have also looked at the work of younger comedians" said the Prof "while Sylvester Stallone, Trevor Macdonanld, Steven Segal and Ice Cube will be seeing in the next century, for their services to tomfoolery and nonsense. I am very worried about some of their peers though".
"Unfunny men to be harvested by the scythe of the Grim Reaper, the 'planet' Phil Jupitus shits pants in fear"
I sadly predict Ben Stiller will be dead within the next two years and talentless Rusell 'fuck-stick' Brand will be lucky to survive the next two weeks said the 'Emmy award winning' prof.
"Little and Large shown clemancy, Russell Brand is frozen streak of 'urine or possibly jism' says prof"
The Prof also says sometime death can get it wrong "for instance Little and Large were spared while Morecambe and Wise copped it, simply because death was wearing the wrong glasses that day. Harry Hill was kept alive because "Mr Death" mixed up the surnames with saucy Benny Hill. Dustin Gee died because he went out wearing Les Dennis's overcoat and death simply got the wrong man. So If Katy Brand has any sense she will remain as 'fat as hell for the next month while death dispatches her skinny tramp-like unfunny namesake".