Scientists from West Viginia, Mountain Mamma University, have conclusively proved that 'tabloid journalists' are almost entirely composed of 'scum matter' it was revealed yesterday in the October Journal of British Physiology and Necrology.
"Country Road Take Me Home to the Place I Was Born"
Professor Norman Pitkin stated "this is a major scientific breakthrough for Waltons University, West Virgina. The implications from our findings are bigger than when madman Joseph Lister put that cowpox virus into a kiddy's arm, because he had nothing better to do on a Sunday Evening".
"Waste of Time Study Gets 'West Virginia', Professors Knight-hood from King Obama"
The scientists conducted the three year 'pointless' study on mostly British tabloid journalists who had died via drug overdoses, acute alcoholism, egoitis and poisoning by their own venom.
"Professor Dissects Journalist With a 'Butter-Knife' and 'Bookies Pencil'"
Professor Pitkin explained " We dissected the carcasses of over one hundred gutter journalists and we found they possessed enlarged gall bladders, massive amounts of bile, teeny-tiny hearts, evidence of 'dinky' arses-holes surrounding their mouths and venom glands either side of the tonsils. CT scans of the brains revealed some sort of "faulty wiring" and junk.
"Little journalist spoke with some sort of 'ancient' received pronunciation says scientist man"
His colleague Mr Grimsdale explained the beginnings of the study " I had one journalist living at the bottom of my garden for three years. I had grown quite attached to the little mite......I believe it was the female of the species. Anyhoo it kept coming into the house when I was out looking at things, going into my cupboards and touching my stuff".
"Tiny journalist creature was making-up stuff about me says potty prof"
I spoke to the creature once and it told me it was looking for evidence of something it called .....a "sex scandal" and filth......Ah yes..... It was always busy scrawling things down in 'quaint funny' writing on it's little note pad or 'laptop computer machine'. I loved how it used chains of negative emotive adjectives to describe everything and everybody. Sadly, one day I looked out the window and it wasn't there anymore. I panicked and ran down to the bottom of the garden and peeked into it's little hidey bush.
"Professor's Missus Very Sad"
"I was exceedingly distraught when I saw it's lifeless little body, note pad in hand and digital camera in pocket. Poor thing.... my wife had grown particularly attached to the creature, after it wrote in it's tabloid she was a 'shop-lifting, child beating, tax-dodging, racist lesbian. She cried for days she did".
"Journalist Was Possibly Missing Link Says Professor"
I didnt think anyone would want it's bitter little cadaver, so I did some kind of medical experiment on it and found out some wonderful things that were truly marvellous and fantstic. I then told my colleagues and this is how our study started. From that point on, we were cutting up gutter press, like you cut up food for old folk.
"Professors' salaries less than the price of Hamburger says the 'American Journal of Professors' Salaries'"
Professor Pitkin added " We have now been given $500 funding to conduct further studies on, tabloid editors as our findings so far are proving they are composed of 100% bull shit, but further studies need to be conducted".
Professors are 'dirty, lying, unpatritotic, racist, cheating shitters' say tabloids
The tabloids hit back today citing Professor Pitkin to be "a disgraced paedo and devil worshipper". The 'Daily Scum' linked Mr Grimsdale to the dissapearance of one-hundred children in 1956, four years before the academic ninny was born.
Professor Pitkin stated "the response from tabloids is typical, I would be surprised if they didn't print "bollocks and all sorts of fuckeries". As we here at Walton University, have proven that tabloid journalists also have a "lie gland" next to the pancreas which practically makes them incapable of truth telling, social relationships and juggling."