Dudley, Yorks - (Humunguous Ass Mess): Veteran Spoof! writer Monkey Woods was being hailed as a humanitarian philanthropissed (sic) today following an act of unprecedented chivalry towards the newly impoverished ex-wife of His Highness The Agha Khan, spiritual leader of billions of horseracing-mad Ismailis.
Due to a temporal anomaly connected to a space/time warp in the Dudley region Woods, 69, unexpectedly found himself sitting in the copious silken folds of a somewhat disguised exotic-looking woman's generous lap aboard the 588 bus to the dog food cannery where he works as a recipe taster.
"Hello, what's this?" Woods relates as the bus suddenly jerked forward, startling the massively-proportioned lady and sending reverberating ripples throughout her be-cellulited exocarp.
A few pleasantries followed ("WTF you doin' nestling up to my bosom you scrawny little eejit?") before the writer suddenly experienced what can only be described as an inspirational coup de foudre moment.
"Flippin' 'eck! I realised I was sitting right on top of - if not actually next to - the ex-wife of one of the richest and most powerful men on Earth, the whorseracing-mad Agha Khan," Woods explains.
"You must be the Begum Agha Khan!" Woods relates spluttering as the lady dealt him a whacking great big slap for effronteries committed as well as pending.
She then got up from her groaning seat, sending Woods careering down the aisle as the bus alighted outside the Dudley Tanning Salon where the lady works as a fitness instructor.
The Agha Khan has been impotent for nearly a century.