BOXBERRY, Great Britain -- A new study indicates that Paganism and the ancient art of witchcraft are on the rise in Britain. "Television, the World Wide Web, environmentalism, lo-carb diets and even feminism have all played a role in the resurgence," experts are saying.
Soaring Pagan numbers have the conventional church officials concerned.
"The rise of interest in Paganism is damaging because it normalizes spiritual evil by presenting it as mere fantasy and fiction," said a reverend of some one million British Christians.
"What a reverend of some one million British Christians neglected to mention is that the rise in this ‘dark side' is the best promotion his side of the coin could get," said Frile Getweather, a professor who has had no less than a hundred spells cast upon him by black witches. "He doesn't acknowledge the fact that if there were no dark side, his side would have no reason to exist. Christians need Pagans and Pagans are people and people who need people are the luckiest people in the world."
Professor Getweather, incidentally, disappeared after making that statement and has not been heard from since.
At least ten thousand Pagan witches and six thousand Pagan druids were practicing in Britain in 1996, said history professor Hull Takecover. "But Paganism has been rising since the 1950s. It's a religion that meets modern needs. Traditional religions have too many rules. Paganism has a message of liberation. The ancient Pagan motto is ‘If it harm none, do what you will.' There are now seven thousand druids across the world and not one of them knows what the word ‘druid' means."
Paganism also caresses the power of Mother Nature, which makes it appealing to women. "Women," says Takecover, "have been seeking their own deity and Mother Nature is right up their skirts. After all, god and all the figureheads like Jesus and Buddha, they are all guys. Puny or overweight and ragged and lacking style. So a girl god, so to speak, is just perfect for them.
"Men, on the other hand, don't care about their god's size or style. They just want to know there is no rule that says they can't hammer a broad now and then and have to spend the rest of their lives in a big fire in another dimension. A god that tells a man he cannot do something is like a nagging woman to him. He doesn't want to hear it. Better to be a druid and look at rocks and be able to think, ‘I can get as hard as those.'"
More religious folk tend to feel that the rise in Paganism is a sign of the end of our world.
Reverend Pillsbury Cardcounter said, "Freedom like a Pagan wants is the kind of chaos called for in the final days. Yes, I am talking about those final days that have been coming for centuries now. The same final days that will end it all when they come, at last, and prove that the final days are only for those who were frightened and threatened by an everlasting burning hell. Just wait and see what happens when the final days come. Just wait."