The government plans to offer 14 year old girls vaccinations against the sexually transmitted disease: lesbianism, after research showed that as many as 1 in 8 women will have a homosexual experience at some point during their lives, in the UK.
The new preventative injection will be available on the NHS from August 2009 and will be administered in state secondary schools, after parents sign consent forms.
Homosexuality is known to spread readily between members of the same sex and can be passed on through kissing and more intimate sexual contact. When an infected girl engages in sexual contact with another girl, the second girl rapidly starts to exhibit symptoms of lesbianism too.
Just like the rubella vaccination the lesbian jab works by infecting the patient with a live strain of the disease, so that their bodies can develop an immunity to the virus. For this reason it is suggested that you lock your teenagers at home without television privileges for three days following the vaccination until any undesirable side effects wear off. These include what we would otherwise call "Early warning signs" and include watching "The L Word" and the trimming of fingernails.
Head Mistress Jody Thornbottom wrote, in her school newsletter, "Once was a time when you could protect your daughters with a stern talking to and religious threats but these days you have to go that extra mile if you want to make sure that you raise straight children." She blames the media and pro-homo propaganda like Katy Perry's "I kissed a girl" and Lindsay Lohan.
Scientists have yet to find a satisfactory vaccination against male homosexuality after an embarrassing blooper last May left a test subject asexual. Whilst ways to remove homosexuality are in the later stages of development, there is no known way to install a heterosexual sex drive. It does not matter with women, who are all either straight or bisexual at heart but some men are not.
Dr Thomas Statistify of Cambridge University explains, "All women are interested in men deep down anyway, so once you're cured the surface lesbianism, they're still capable of enjoying a healthy sex life but gay men are different; male homosexuality is a much darker, more devastating condition that leads to warped sexual practices and usually death. Lesbianism is a little embarrassing for the parents but generally quite pleasing to study." Statistify conducts countless observations of lesbian behaviour in his lab.
Some parents are reluctant to immunise their children but the government calls it "irresponsible" not to sign the consent forms. "If you don't immunise your daughter she could end up with a dildo strapped to her forehead but she'll probably just be really happy and have lots of great sex. Do you really want this for your children?"
Should your daughter contract homosexuality, do not fret - it is curable. The antidote is to introduce her to the right man. It might not happen right away and you will have to be patient, but it will happen, unless of course your daughter is ugly, in which case the condition is chronic.