Arriba South East inter-city trains have flown in the face of rail privatisation problems to record a year of unbelievable time-keeping set to land them in the Guinness Book of Train Records.
Their trains between London and Portsmouth, stopping at Carlisle, Aberdeen and Builth Wells in Wales have recorded an unprecedented 100%+ time-table keeping record.
A jubilant manager, Jack Trane-Spotteur, off to an award ceremony at the Old Vic Hotel in Cheadle, held an impromptu press conference to boast about the news. He said:
"We are chuffed, if you'll pardon my 1950's pun, to be awarded this accolade. At a time when the public have lost all confidence in getting a seat, let alone a train, we at Arriba South East have derailed - again, please pardon the pun - any misgivings regarding rail franchises who know only how to receive funding from the Government and nothing about the trams, or whatever those things on rails are called.
"Our new system for timekeeping should be adopted by all train companies to ensure they themselves can meet government time parameters.
"We have discovered that by not stopping to pick up or deposit passengers, we can ensure our trains are always on time, regardless of the kind of leaves or suicide victims on the tracks.
"It is also very convenient for our drivers and conductors not to have to either stop at stations or deal with passengers, although it can be boring for our trolly dollies trying to sell their luke-warm tea and stale sandwiches. Our staff certainly know better than to buy the totally substandard and overpriced muck we sell on our trains!"