Jesus today returned from his two thousand year holiday to find the Earth in turmoil.
"What the hell has happened here," he said as he arrived at Heathrow's terminal 5. "It's bad enough that they've lost my luggage, I mean what has been going on?!"
Jesus admitted he had been away for a long time and had taken his eye off the ball.
"My Dad is going to be pissed about this, there's that huge ozone hole, half the trees are disappearing, loads of animals extinct and don't get me started on designer babies," said Jesus.
When asked of his plans he said "Well I may get away with it if I can blame one of the other religions but it looks like I'll have to use that Large Hadron Collider thingy to wipe the slate clean."
God was unavailable for comment.