The sleepy town of Blackwood in Wales was in shock today as one of it's fire fighting heroes, Simon Bevman, was strangled to death in the high street by a 15ft python. Initial reports indicate that Mr Bevman had just left the chemist after buying a large bottle of baby oil and a Rampant Rabbit, when without warning the snake appeared from under his fireman's coat and throttled the poor man to death on the pavement in front of screaming, terrified shoppers.
One of the witnesses, a Mr Chavtwat, told our reporters between tears: 'It was f*ckin' hilarious mun! You should have seen the way his eyes bulged out of his baldy head! F*ckin' wicked mun!' However, another witness who did not want to be named, a Mr Smart, was more sympathetic as told us that: 'The poor man! I tried to help, but it was too late. As soon as he hit the floor it was clear that he'd had his chips, so I kicked him in the balls for good measure' he grinned moron-like, as his eyes rolled about in his head and he dribbled down his chin.
However, the tragedy took an even more bizarre turn when the paramedics arrived. The senior paramedic, Mr Matthews, told us: 'Fookin' 'ell! I got his fireman's coat off him to try and give him CPR in the hope that we could revive him, only to discover that the man was wearing nothing underneath but stockings and suspenders and a peephole bra with these ugly hairy nipples poking through! It was fookin' awful so it was, to be sure to be sure to be sure'. He then wandered off gibbering something in Gaelic.
Later, when the police had carried out their investigations, it transpired that Mr Bevman, the strangled fireman, was a secret member of BTVAPSA, the Blackwood Transvestite And Pet Snake Association, and was on his way to one of their regular weekly bizarre 'fun sessions' when the snake he usually took with him decided it had had enough of being covered with baby oil and struck back against it's owner, with disastrous consequences for Mr Bevman.
The snake was later taken away and put down and then chopped up, the meat then given to Yorkshire in England, where meat is a rare treat these days following the failed and vile Dictatorship of President Wooders Mugabe and the dreadful famine and economic disaster that followed there.
Mr Bevman however, has now become somewhat of a legend in the transvestite world, and is to have a statue of himself erected in his honour, complete with snake, in the town square in Blackwood by the BTVAPSA, as well as being named 'Transvestite Of The Year' by his close and dear friend Julian Clary.
It appears that the story above is incorrect. It has emerged that the entire tale has been fabricated by two of Mr Bevman's colleagues in the BTVAPSA, to discredit Mr Bevman, who is hoping to become ChairTransvestite of the Association in next week's AGM. The two culprits have denied all knowledge of this, and in a specially prepared and carefully-worded press statement today they said: 'Fook off! Go on, just fook off!'
reporter - L Smartie