Prime Minister Gordon Brown has shocked the nation by firing himself, following allegations that he was ready to move against him. According to a source close to the PM, Mr Brown suffered a moment of self-doubt on Sunday morning whilst having a shit. He weighed up the options, considered resigning, but then decided to battle on through the party conference and up to the European and local elections in 2009.
On hearing the news late Sunday night, Brown summoned himself to an emergency meeting at Number 10 on Monday morning, where he lambasted himself for disloyalty, plotting and betrayal. After a 30 minute meeting he promptly fired himself from the top government post. Concerned aides were seen listening at the door as Mr Brown flew into one of his trademark rages against himself, and then scuttled away as he stormed down the corridor to his official spokesman's office to tell the press.
Justice Secretary Jack Straw reiterated his full support for the Prime Minister following the latest rebellion. "What the prime minister is doing is concentrating on the issues that matter to the country - the situation in the economy, what is happening in the financial markets, Northern Ireland and crime. He cannot afford to be distracted by opposition from within the government or from within his own brain. Therefore his own position became untenable, and he had no choice but to let himself go."
Meanwhile at Westminster, the green leather bench that Brown parks his tight, dour backside on during PMQs is also unhappy with his performance. "I always preferred Blair's buttocks, all toned and smooth. That grumpy sod has got an arse like two scotch pies in a string vest."