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Sunday, 14 September 2008

image for Tooth fairy suspended pending police checks
"The current residing tooth fairy has been in office for 40 years."

Children losing teeth will find no money under their pillows for many weeks as the government has ordered the tooth fairy to undergo police background checks before she can continue working with children.

"Employees of all government funded organisations have to undergo CRB (Criminal Records Bureau) checks before they can work with vulnerable members of society," explained police chief Sir Ian Blair before reminding us that the tooth fairy in funded with tax payers money.

Although the current residing tooth fairy has been in office for 40 years, she has never undergone a CRB check due to mythical creatures being "a tricky grey area."

"Much as we'd like to believe in them, not all imaginary people can be trusted," explained expert on magical beings, JK Rowling, who is in support of the government decision.

But the suspension has been the subject of much controversy. Some members of the public say we should be doing whatever we can to protect our children but others feel it's peodo-phobia gone mad. One teacher from Oxfordshire said "If we can't put our faith in a creature invented for the delight of our children, then who can we put our faith in?"

This is not the first time the tooth fairy has made the news this year. In March she famously sued a homeless guy for pulling out two of his own teeth to claim 20p. "People need to go through the correct channels to get government benefits" she told the press.

But how does she feel now that she's being put through official channels?

"I feel undervalued as an employee," she told reporters, "Because I am the only mythical creature who is being put through this procedure, I feel like they are pointing the finger directly at me."

She explained that she loves children before adding, "in the most non-sexual way in the world. I'm four inches tall and I have wings for Christ's sake! Did you ever see anything with wings rape a child?" She makes an indisputable point.

However plans to run CRB checks on Father Christmas and The Easter Bunny are in the pipeline. Chief executive of the CRB, Vince Gaskell explains the delays, "Whilst here in the UK we have own tooth fairy, there is one Father Christmas for the whole world. It would be near impossible to check that he hadn't been caught delivering more than toys, anywhere in the world. Just look at Gary Glitter."

The new jurisdiction over tooth fairies was designed to help parents feel safe but instead has shed doubt on a demographic we once trusted empathically. Have government actions backfired? Only time will tell.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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