London - (Reuterus & Ass Mess): Pals of Kate Middleton say the desperate royal wannabe has an ectopic phantom pregnancy after a bit of ectoplasm emerged from her arse.
"An ectopic pregnancy can be described as a constipation of the uterus," noted Harley Street obstetrician Prov V Smart, FRCP, said today.
"The fertilized ovum becomes implanted in tissue other than the uterine wall.
"For instance, the inside of the rectum."
Sources close to Clarence House vehemently deny Prince William could be the father.
"For a start he can't get it up unless it's for some hirsute 6ft 8ins squaddie in a leather mask and manacles," royal co-respondent Dave Bent said today.
"Maybe somebody has been ghosting pre-marital relations on his behalf?"
Chelsy Davy is staying schtum.