Written by Chuck Barber
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Thursday, 27 May 2004

image for Tony Blair In Assassination Plot
Dalstone Palmerston-Throwbridge Sweet Talks Margaret Thatcher in Better Times

Three separate sources from three very different government departments all verify and counter-verify reports emanating from rancorous members of the Labour Party that Tony Blair is under investigation for plotting the murder of Dalstone Palmerston-Throwbridge.

Palmerston-Throwbridge, a Tory backbencher from Wattley, has lately made a name for himself by hectoring Blair at every opportunity about the Wattley sewage system which sits adjacent to Palmerston-Throwbridge's country home. The sewage system by all accounts is one of the worst in all of Great Britain and has been condemned by EEC's Committee on Rural Sanitation.

An insignificant member of Parliament for more than twenty years, Palmerston-Throwbridge had, prior to the sewage problem, never uttered a word in Parliament save his one notorious gaffe where he mistook Austria for Australia and congratulated "Our commonwealth fellows for doing so well in the Winter Olympics." Austria had just won seven medals in the skiing competitions at the time.

Viewers of the Prime Minister's Question Time might recognize Palmerston-Throwbridge from his houndstooth jackets and mismatched checked pants. Standing at the back of the ranks, hands in pants pocket, Palmerston-Throwbridge drawls out his question, "What're ya gone do ‘bout the sewage in Wattley, it's poisoning ma constituents," while other members of his party hold their noses with their fingers, stamp their feet and yell.

The three verifying sources come from Special Branch, the Home Secretary's office and the office of the Lord Privy Seal.

Number 10 has officially denied the investigation, saying that while the PM and Mr. Palmerston-Throwbridge have their disagreements they are not serious enough to contemplate murder.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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