A man has been sentenced to 240 hours community service by Swindon Magistrates Court for shooting a neighbours dog with a pellet-gun, after it repeatedly "defecated itself inside out" on his lawn.
"I was going to clear it up of course, but by the time i'd gone in to fetch the bag and shovel, I heard this loud thud coming from outside. So I ran out, and next thing I know, my dog's layin there, stone fuckin' dead," explains Gary Walters, of Penhill. "He had to endure three whole fackin' hours of surgery just to remove the bloody pellet from his arsehole".
The perpetrator, Jonathan Lemon, commented from his cell; "My lawn's like a turd minefield; every morning I have to dodge mounts of mut-crap just to get to my car. I've been hours late to work just trying to get out of my garden. Yes, he cleans it up ocasionally, but by the time he's scooped it up in a bag, the dog's only gone and done another ten shits, strategically placed to deny access to my driveway."
He also explains the effects on his garden furniture; "The garden's in such a state, my garden gnomes are borderline suicidal; their facial expressions have changed to those of complete and utter despair."
Mr Lemon has been subsequently tagged, and forced to clean up dog-foeces in the area as part of a 240 hour community service programme.
Tomorrow: "ITV's 'Loose Women' Cures Premature Ejaculation" according to sexual health expert.