Written by Rusty
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Topics: Ireland

Tuesday, 2 September 2008

image for Memorial Service for Former Irish Premier Charles Haughey
Haughey: would you buy a used anything from this man?

It is now two years since Charles Haughey, three times Toaiseach of Ireland and Leader of the Fianna Failures party, died at the age of 126.

Haughey, whose long and crooked bungee cord political career was dogged by scandal, is to be honoured by Fianna Failures holding a memorial service to commemorate his passing, with plans for a life-sized statue to be designed and sculpted by acclaimed artist Anthony Gormless and erected on a sandbar in the River Liffey.

Haughey was educated by the Christian Brothers at St. Sodom's School of Simony in Donnybendover, where one of his classmates was George Colley, the man who would later become his chief gopher and eventual arch-rival in the Fianna Failures party.

Following his secondary education, Haughey studied quantum number juggling at University College, Dublin, where he qualified in creative accountancy, and later at King's Inn where he studied Advanced Parasitics, graduating as a bottom-feeding barrister.

It was here that Haughey realized he now possessed the precise academic achievements to become a successful Irish politician.

The former premier dominated Irish politics with bullyboy tactics for a generation between 1979 and 1992. Often correctly credited with laying the calamitous foundations for Ireland's current Celtic Toothless Tiger economic slump, his legacy was nevertheless tainted with a series of scandals and allegations of corruption.

His first footprint on the road to infamy was made when he was 16 and on a camping holiday in Ulster, where he was arrested by the B Specials and charged with loitering with a tent, for which he received a conditional discharge.

Despite his professed desire to fade from public attention, retirement was anything but smooth for the former tacky Taoiseach. A series of political, financial and personal scandals tarnished his image and reputation in recent years.

In the late 1990s the public were shocked to hear revelations about his extravagant private life.
At the Professor Moriarty Tribunal it was revealed by Sherlock Holmes that Haughey received more than £8 million over an 18-year period from various benefactors and businessmen.

One payment alone of £1.3 million came from the entrepreneur Ben Gunn, a Treasure Island resident, for a shipment of assorted cheeses, parrot crackers and rum, which were never delivered.

He was severely ridiculed when it was found he spent large sums of Fianna Fáilures party money on Charvet shirts and expensive dinners in a top Dublin restaurant, while preaching belt tightening and implementing budget cuts as a national policy.

One gourmet dinner at Dublin's prestigious Chez Spud restaurant, laid on by Haughey for political supporters, consisted of fourteen courses, including the famed Irish mixed grill : Mashed potatoes, roast potatoes, boiled potatoes and chips. The extravaganza was billed at £6,000 to the Irish taxpayers.

While giving evidence at the tribunal, Haughey faced criminal charges for obstructing the work of the tribunal, and further faced angry crowds at Dublin Castle on a daily basis when the excrement finally hit the rotating wind machine.

Haughey was at this time described by critics as the type of man you might shake hands with but automatically count your fingers straight after.

One fact which sticks in the minds of most Irish people when considering Haughey's true attitude to friendship and wealth was the revelation that money raised by donation and intended for a liver transplant for the late Brian Lenihan, a former government minister and supposed lifelong friend of Haughey, ended up in Charles Haughey's bank account. It was spent on £700 shirts from Charvet of Paris. Brian Lenihan expired his mortal coil soon after.

In May 1999 it was revealed that Haughey had conducted a 27-year beast with two backs relationship with the Sunday Independent gossip columnist slapper, Terry Keane. Keane appeared on the live RTÉ chat forum, "The Late Late Shite Show", and exposed Haughey's extra-marital infidelity.

For years Keane had hinted in her bromidic newspaper column that she had been enjoying the company of a top Fianna Failures politician she referred to as "Sweetie" for clandestine Viagra-fuelled romps. However, she finally admitted that it was Charlie Haughey.

The entire incident shocked the television's live audience so badly that a veritable multitude defenestrated out of the studio's windows onto the streets several stories below.

Haughey's son, Seán, who was watching the chat show at his home in County Nepotism, stuck his head into the refrigerator in a suicide attempt but fortunately survived with frostbitten eardrums and a frozen widow's peak.

Haughey's wife, Maureen, was also rumoured to be deeply pissed off by the televised debacle, with Haughey receiving cold shoulder suppers for months after, sans candlelight.

In August, 2003 it was revealed that Haughey, facing demands to pay millions of euros in taxation arrears on undeclared gifts, had sold his large estate, Abbeville, in County Dublin. It was reported that the deal netted Haughey €35 million before tax. However, at the time of his death, Haughey continued to own his own private island, Irishvillain, one of the famed Basket Case Islands.
Haughey's health had been in decline since 1995 when he visited the renowned Harley Street proctologist, Dr. Morton Turdburglar, complaining "It feels like I've gorra 'tater or turnip shoved up me arse."

Dr. Turdburglar's examination revealed Haughey didn't actually have a root tuber or vegetable embedded in his rectum but a cancer-ridden prostate gland the size of melon.

Haughey further suffered a heart attack in 2001 and had undergone emergency hospital treatment for a strangulated conscience several times in recent years.

The Irish Independent today reported that potential eulogists have been contacted to speak at the funeral, including Thomas 'Slob' Murphy, Martin McGuiness, Kermit the Frog, Gerry Adams, Bernadette Devilish and the Rev. Ian Parsley.

Arrangements are currently being connived for the memorial service and requiem mass at the Our Lady of Moral Turpitude Church in Donnybendover.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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