Today, in Blackburn, Lancashire, 3 men were charged with not being terrorists by police, and all 3 are due to appear in court nowhere near to where they were arrested. Charges against the 3 include saying PM Gordon Brown is 'a slimy fat lying gitt', and drawing moustaches and spectacles on newspaper photographs of him.
One of the arrested claimed to be a member of al KIRA, but after being laughed at endlessly by Irish neighbours he then claimed to be in ETA. Then after death threats from San Sebastian he claimed to be in the Red Brigades, but finally was reduced to claiming to reading The Beano and writing 'I'm a terrorist, honest' on the pages of it.
A spokesman for the Special Branch said: 'The arrests are part of our continual efforts to feed the American media with childish stories about terrorists, although the public does need to be protected from men with tanned skins saying they're terrorists. Well, my grannie does. Mind you, she thinks Brown is a slimy fat lying gitt. My cousin was shot on duty in a siege against the Provisional IRA in London in 1981, but no way would he have taken on these dangerous, fanatical terrorists in Blackburn - OK, only if he needed a bit of overtime and a good laugh.'
But another spokesman said: 'This is the worst case of terrorism, without any guns or bombs or any terrorists devices, or even a hint of any threat at all, that we have ever fed to the media to keep them busy in August, since terrorists nearly blew up my rabbit without actually doing it. Er, what were we talking about again? Oh yes, terrorists, in the American sense of the word, i e harmless people of the wrong religion.'
Gerry Adams wasn't visiting Scotland today.