A new "Pay-as-you-go" airline service was launched today at Humberside International Airport.
An offshoot of Irish airline RyanAir, the new service takes fare pricing to a new low, while at the same time maintaining its sister airline's equally low levels of customer service.
The maiden flight of "Decompression Air" takes off from Humberside to Seatopants Airport on Sark in the Channel Islands.
Public Relations Director of Decompression Air, Ray O'Looney said:
"This new service is all about offering best value for money while at the same time not compromising safety levels. And the way we don't compromise on safety is by not worrying about it at all. In fact I am reliably informed that the Health and Safety Executive wouldn't even board the plane, and that was while it was still on the ground.
"We will be using a fleet of one Douglas Dakota, which has been specially recommissioned from Ealing Studios in, er, Ealing, where it was shot down several years ago in a Steven Speilberg film. It cost only £37, so it enables us to pass on dramatic savings to surviving passengers.
"The 'plane will have standing room only, vending machines and will save weight and fuel by not having to bother with seats, oxygen, toilets, seat belts, parachutes, in-flight magazines and trolley-dollies trying to dispense over-priced rubbish in order to stay in a job. There will be just one flight attendant who, when he puts the 'plane on auto-pilot, using our patented "string tied to door handle" system, will use a ticket machine we have bought at a good price from a former First Bus conductor to dispense on the spot tickets.
"Using modern technology, passengers will receive a chip and pin card which they pre-load before boarding the plane. The attendant will come round and take the fare according to how far individual passengers intend flying with us. For example, a full fare to Sark is envisaged at £13 off-peak. If a passenger only wants to spend say £10, we can kick them out of the door as we fly over Bristol.
"To avoid extra weight and spending money on cleaning, passengers won't be allowed to take food on board, or luggage, or coats, or even children, as this would only add further expense to the ticket price. Even the ticket desk at Humberside Airport is only open when the customer services representative is not doing a car boot sale and can bring her paste table along to service our customers' wallets from.
"This is the future of value flying."