The Press Complaints Authority issued its strongest protest yet over harassment of members of the 'gutter press' by celebrities, pop stars and members of the royal family.
"There are always 2 or 3 of them lying in wait outside me little council flat" confided Fred Porter, the harassed editor of the 'Daily Star'.
"Last week it was Kylie, Phil the Greek and Dame Thora Hird, but there are so many of them their royals and luvvies, that they can change their team at the drop of a hat!"
"As soon as I get me pushbike out of me front door they are on me like a pack of bleedin' hounds"
"That Phil the Greek is a sly old fox mind you! He thinks that by drivin' a black London taxi, wearin' a dirty raincoat, flat cap and mutton cloth scarf, that he won't get recognised! But I'm a Cockney d'y'know and he don't fool me!"
"I've tried all sorts of wheezes to shake e'm off me' trail, but it ain't no good" confided Fred."
The problem is that me pushbike is too slow to get out of me flat without 'em catching me up"
"Once I built a wooden ramp so that I could make a quick getaway from me' front door, but with their bleedin' turbocharged limo's and bleedin' German super- bikes, they were hanging on me' rear mudguard in a flash"
"What is a bloke to do ?" Whined Fred in total despair.But the problem is not just confined to the gutter press at the Daily Star!
Alan Wilkinson, Muck-Raker-in Chief of the outrageous Sunday Sport 'newspaper' related his own harrowing stories of persecution at the hands of the aristocracy and pop stars.
"I'm sick to the back bleedin' teeth of them bleedin' royals with their long lenses but it's not only the aristo's that make me life a misery. Oh no!"
"The bane of me bleedin' life is them there pop stars!"
"I call 'em the poparazzi. They use all kinds of tricks to harass us -- just because we're the gutter press!"
"Why, only last night I was woken up at two- a- bleedin'- clock in the morning by the noise of somebody goin' through me dustbins!
"Blow me if it weren't Posh Spice, Becks and little Brooklyn rifling through me rubbish!"
"What do they want? ---- Why can't they leave me- a- bleedin'- lone?"
In an exclusive interview, Kylie gave a statement to explain her intrusive behaviour.
"I've got a livin' to make, just like them privileged brats in the gutter press! If our roles were reversed, don't you think they'd be just as bad as us?
"Were all in the same gutter -aren't we?"
I should be so lucky!