London - Olympics Minister Tessa Jowell today announced that the opening ceremony for the 2012 Games will 'not be in the stadium', but will, instead be held in her back garden in Cromwell Terrace, SE18.
"We don't want to be copycats and do it like everyone else", the former Minister for Rock and Roll told us, "My garden will be the ideal place, all the neighbours have agreed to pitch in with sandwiches and those little cheese things on cocktail sticks, and, if it's not raining, we could maybe have a barbecue too". She droned on.
Amongst Ms Jowell's plans are a fireworks and sparkler display by her children, the opening song being sang by the local 'neighbourhood watch choir' and over 20 balloons being released at the end of the ceremony.
When questioned as to whether the venue would have a broad enough appeal, she snapped, "Of Course! All my friends will be there and one representative of each country. It will be broadcast around the world so billions will see it on TV, how broader can you get!"
The IOC will measure Ms Jowell's garden to see if it complies with the 'Selfish, egotistical buggers' opening ceremony rule'.
Gordon Brown backed the plan saying, "I've been to Tessa's garden for a picnic and it's certainly the right place and image that Britain wants to project to the rest of the world.