The Home Office, Scotland Yard, MI5, MI6, DIY and MFI have today released details of the stalker who has been attempting to stalk (which is what stalkers do) the Prime Minister.
The actions of this stalker had prompted a huge increase in the level of security for the Prime Minister, his wife, Number 10 Downing Street and the Whitehall branch of William Hills.
In a statement released to the press, the Secretary of State for Stalkers and former contributor to tyre safety, Mr John Stalker said:
"We have at last discovered the identity of the stalker - not me of course, that's just my name, it's from the Russian 'Stalkerovitch' you know, on my mother's side - anyway, as I was saying before you didn't even bother to interrupt me, we now know who this stalker is and I am pleased to advise that the current state of government red alert has been downgraded to the normal government state of disarray.
"Photographs of the stalker, a Mr David Cameron, are now circulating in the press. It appears he is in charge of a group, I believe they call themselves the Contorytives, or something like that. This Mr Cameron seems to sieze upon every opportunity to deride, jeer and generally rundown - not with a car or his returned stolen bicycle of course, I mean rundown in the verbal sense - the Prime Minister.
"As the Prime Minister's spokesman for stalking, I think Mr Cameron has a bear-faced cheek. The Prime Minister is a good man who has, at the last count, only two faults - everything he says and everything he does. Now that is not a bad record, is it? Just because of these two faults, he is being hounded and harrassed at every available opportunity by Mr Cameron. And to do this in the House of Commons in front of all those MPs, well, I ask you. Is that nice?
"I say it has got to stop now.
"Even if it means the Prime Minister retiring and saying to Mr Cameron 'Go on then. See if you can do any better'."