Written by Monkey Woods
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Topics: Terrorism, Extremist

Wednesday, 27 August 2008

image for British Extremists To Be Deradicalised With Promises Of Slags
Now come on, Sadiq, what's it gonna be?

The government has decided to combat the radicalisation of young British Muslim Extremists by offering its own version of the dogma, and reworking of some of the information contained therein, to fall in line with the British way thinking.

Principal amongst this, is an adaptation of the claim in Hadith number 2562 of the Sunan al-Tirmidhi, that "martyrs will be met in heaven by 72 wide-eyed virgins, over whom stands a dome of pearls of aquamarine and ruby".

As there are very few virgins left in Britain, the new version of this, is that extremist Muslims dying in battle for Britain, will have at their disposal three slags from Leeds.

This Yorkshire 'slag trio' will almost certainly not be wide-eyed, and may, in fact, be asleep, so seismic will their intake of beer have been. They will, however, be wide-legged. They will be wearing pearl necklaces and, likely as not, will answer to the names of Aqua, Marina and Ruby.

The adaptation is expected to be a success in turning the eyes of potential young radicals away from the evils of terrorism, and towards the moral superiority and righteousness of British society.

The idea was the brainchild of Home Secretary Jacqueline Smith (she prefers 'Jacqui' - it's radical!) who told the Commons about it last night. The news was met with wild approval from Labour, but total condemnation from Tories.

Vince Cable of the Lib Dems, speaking from the middle ground, said:

"It's good in principal, but I would have extreme reservations about whether young Muslims would prefer slags to virgins. Maybe if you could include some booze and hashish, they might come around."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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