Written by Rusty
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Topics: Murder

Monday, 25 August 2008

image for Gold-digging Hooker faces Jail for Murder
Hubby-gutting Nympho' Harpy

A gold-digging former prostitute will be sentenced later for murdering her elderly husband after discovering he was not as rich as she thought.

Titiana Dzerzhinsky-Edwards, 27, is facing life imprisonment after stabbing spouse Glyn in the stomach with a Black and Decker jigsaw.

Dzerzhinsky-Edwards, who studied for an GNVQ 1 Bedpan Proficiency Certificate at Tallinn's prestigious Lavrenty Beria Institute of Geriatric Care, turned her back on a strict religious upbringing to sell sex for £200 per deviant three-hole hairy clambake session in Soho after her London care work contract failed to materialize.

She set out to snare Glyn Edwards, 96, after he paid for a full, round-the World, Viagra-fuelled sex romp and hinted he was a multi-millionaire while flashing his Sainsbury's Nectar card.

After a whirlwind romance lasting almost the entire evening, she agreed to forsake her weekly £6,000 whoring wage packet, including Healthcare and pension plans, for what she thought would be a life of opulent luxury.

However, quite soon after moving into Glyn Edward's cramped single berth caravan, and going through a dismal wedding ceremony at the local Moron Church of Lettuce Day Saints, the Estonian-born gold-digger began to realise there was little that glittered in their relationship, apart from her gold zircon labial rings.

London's Southwark Crown Court heard from the couple's neighbours that as matters spiralled from bad to worse, she drained the retired marketing consultant's meager savings with endless demands for cash, numerous trips abroad and a seemingly insatiable desire for AA Duracell batteries to power her Rampant Jackrabbit and vibrating butt plug.

All the while she complained endlessly about his boring life and unsavoury personal habits of nose-picking, arse-scratching and ferret cuddling.

While in the witness box Dzerzhinsky-Edwards related a host of broken promises, culminating in the cancellation of the second half (left) of her breast enhancement procedure.

Then on June 11th last year, during a final row concerning ready cash to finance her half-completed boob job, she stabbed husband Glyn in the stomach with a sharp-bladed power tool and enviscerated him over the kitchen floor.

Dzerzhinsky-Edwards, of Mariticide Crescent, Ferret Heath, Surrey, had denied the single count of murder she faced, claiming she had actually being trying to commit suicide at the time.

She insisted that as her elderly husband struggled to disarm her, the Black and Decker jigsaw blade accidentally slid into his abdomen, seppuku-style, fourteen times.

But the jury of eight men, four women and two transvestites trying the case took only fifteen minutes to decide it was just another of her many manipulative lies.

As the 13-1 majority verdict was announced Dzerzhinsky-Edwards gasped, buried her head between her disproportionate breasts and collapsed on to a policeman, sobbing inconsolably.

Judge Basil Pitiless, donning his black cap, advised the court there is "Only one sentence I can pass, and it won't be a community service order".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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