Glasgow was today named a United Nations City of Violence, and the honour was bestowed on it by the UN cultural body Unazico's chairman, Henry von Kissinger.
'For too long Scotland's achievements at violence have been unjustly igonored by Unazico', Kissinger said, 'but now Glasgow will receive the award. After decades of Glasgow filling its streets with razor gangs and sectarian nutcases and the most dangerous gangsters in history, not to mention dangerously funny comedians like Billy Connolly, Glasgow will now be get this award. A bronze statue of Pat Doolally eating a deep-fried Mars bar will be placed in Sauchiehall Street, and will get the city's traditional cone placed on its head and 'FTP' sprayed on it every week.'
News of the award was welcomed in other Cities of Violence, such as Palermo, Belfast and Rotterdam, but some were questioning the wisdom of giving such awards at all, especially as they usually lead to copycat violence across Western Europe, and especially when English football fans visit those cities in Western Europe. Prime Minister Gordon Brown said: 'Where is Glasgow? Is it near Birmingham?' But Glasgow's most famous son, Sir Robert McNesbitt, had this to say about the award: 'See you, Jimmy, it's either afftaerasoshullandcashmegiroferrawains, or it's ootwirrashivandafftaeravickferaweedoseajeeliesbyraway.'
Edinburgh is 30,000 years old today, as are the jokes in TheSpoof.com.