Written by Mrs Kensington
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Friday, 22 August 2008

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DeGeneres and De Rossi - "Not amused"

Friends of celebrity lesbians Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi report that the rug-munching pair are "outraged" that their star spangled celebrity wedding on Saturday was "ruined" when British raven-haired temptress, Nigella Lawson, ate one of Hilary Clinton's Manolo Blahniks during the reception at their Beverly Hills home.

Onlookers were astounded when Lawson, who wasn't invited to the glittering gender bending bash and was playing poker with George Clooney next door, reached into the marquee with a specially designed robotic arm and began taking items from the $40million buffet.

"It was absolutely sensational" chirped pint-sized scientologist Tom Cruise "Suddenly this super-sophisticated robotic limb entered through a gap near the chemical toilets and took two dressed salmon's and five garlic baguettes" he beamed "it was the perfect synergy between science and christianity".

Other guests were less enamoured with the voluptuous television cook's antics however. Victoria Beckham was almost decapitated when a large turkey flew across the dance floor and knocked her into a black forest gateau and ex-presidential hopeful Clinton fainted after one of her $5000 Manolo Blahnik diamond encrusted slingbacks appeared to walk away by itself.

"I only put the bugger on the buffet table for 30 seconds while I adjusted my corn plasters before the line dancing started" fumed Clinton who reportedly spent the rest of the evening jiving on one leg with Barack Obama. "She's going to regret this. It won't be the first time I've ruined a fat brunette who put something of mine in her gob".

The last straw came when a screaming DeGeneres accidentally ripped her new wife's $8million Roberto Cavalli dress trying to stop Lawson's arm dragging De Rossi in a pincer movement towards the patio doors. DeGeneres and de Rossi were said to be "inconsolable" and unavailable for comment yesterday, but best friend Tony Blair told reporters "Ellen was livid. She wasn't that bothered about the salmons or the baguettes but there was no way she was going to let Nigella eat her wife"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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