Written by Sidney K. Arthur
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Tuesday, 25 May 2004

President George W. Bush Jr. was honoured today by the Chelsea Flower Show in London. As the high-point of the show, the Royal Horticultural Society announced that, in order to commemorate President Bush's concern for the environment, his interest in humanitarian causes and his fine work in building relations with the Middle East, they have decided to name a plant in his honour.

Lord Auch, who currently presides over the RHS, revealed the plant yesterday, and, in part of a four hour speech, he summed up the qualities of the plant by saying, ‘the George Bush is a hardy perennial that appears completely inactive for large periods of time, conserving its energy before briefly coming to life and flowering abundantly once every four years during the months of October/November. However, after this promising flurry of color and vibrancy it quickly returns to its preferred natural state of complete inactivity and apparent dullness.'

When President Bush Jr. received the news in a live broadcast at the Chelsea flower show he was so overcome with emotion that he became uncharacteristically tongue-tied before regaining his composure to state, quite clearly, ‘the good lord gave us these flowers, plants and trees, and we thank him for that and for letting us do all his good bidding on this fine day. To be granted the exquisite opportunity to name myself as a flower is most graciously acceptable, particularly when heaven says that good is on my side. There is nothing I would rather, or more proudly be, than a bush and God knows that is all I have ever wanted to be, in good weather or in bad. So, just let me thank you, the people of this British island land, for doing me the honourable gift of letting me be one of your new plants as a bush, because as a bush I now know that I was planted in order to grow to become one of good God's plants like all the other bushes and my father before me. God bush you all.'

Back in the US, the Bush administration were delighted with the news, and Presidential advisor Condoleeza Rice was particularly pleased with the great man's acceptance speech, adding, ‘I thought he might say something stupid to make him look like a half-wit or a goofball, so I was both relieved and happy to find him in so conversant and thoughtful a mood.'

That mood was slightly marred, however, when word came through that the American military had just accidentally bombed an Iraqi school, killing 30 children aged between 12 and 16 and seriously wounding nearly 40 others. After receiving this information, and with a more somber tone in his voice, the President was later overheard speaking on his cellphone with Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld.

In a heated exchange, it is believed the President ended the conversation with the words, ‘well, I don't care what you think, I'm going to order a whole garden full of them for the ranch and another two dozen for the Whitehouse - you're just jealous because you don't have any plants that rhyme with your name!'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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