Department of Work and Pensions minister James Plaskitt, has defended Government plans to appoint mullet-headed Hawaiian crime fighter Dog Chapman and his enormous-breasted wife Beth, as figureheads of a new initiative to track down benefit cheats.
In a press conference yesterday, the grey-faced minister who looks like a Tory, told reporters "In 2006-07 benefit thieves stole an estimated £700 million from public funds. The time for pussy-footing around is over and the era of tough love has arrived".
Dog, who has an estimated 56 children by different women, and Beth, who is quite scary, were said to be "delighted and honoured" at the appointment and "looking forward to meeting the British people and sampling fish and chips and real ale.
"We love the people of the UK, but just like the Hawaiians, some of you have been influenced by the devil and taken a wrong turn. We look forward to showing you the path back to God and whipping your thieving butts".
In an impromptu Prime Minister's question time at the Olympic Village in Beijing yesterday Gordon Brown, who was wearing an open-necked shirt and casual plaid trousers, told reporters "Dog and his family have long been an inspiration to my wife Sarah and myself. We regularly enjoy watching their fight against ice in paradise, over a takeaway and a low-alcohol beer"
When asked if bounty hunter methods were appropriate for tracking down benefit cheats in the UK, he replied "Look, Dog's methods are completely in tune with Labour policy both now and in the past. He will encourage family, friends and colleagues to inform on suspects, then stalk them, spray them with mace, throw them to the ground and handcuff them. When they are safely in custody he will tell them that God loves them and will give them a second chance. It's a technique we used all the time in the '70s."
Asked if he felt justified in bringing religion into government policy he replied "Dog is God spelt backwards. It's a very positive sign".