Dudley, Yorks - (Ass Mess): Veteran Spoof! writer Monkey Woods is said to be incandescent today after Tipton fire chiefs blamed him for the blaze that destroyed a 500-acre petrol refinery following a windbreaking demonstration that went horribly arse-over-tit.
Woods, 69, told reporters he was "minding his own business" as usual on his way to work at the local dog food cannery this morning where he is a recipie tester, penning a parody or two in his head about longtime paramour Ms Jenny Bigtits.
He then saw "a coupla right amateuers" trying to perform an ancient Druidic mid-Summer fire-raising rite just outside Tipton's BP depot.
"Yeah, they were lighting up their farts alright with a crappy Victor Value! premium zippo lighter," Woods commented, "tanked up on a baked beans brekkie but totally
oblivious of the meterological orifice severe weather warning for the day."
Eyewitness reports concur that Woods offered some pithy ad hoc advice to the lads ("Tossers! Ya'll never do it that way!") before dropping his pants and feigning the correct position for optimum success.
Just then a violent, freakish gust of methane from a neighboring cow field sped past him and the youths who were still thumbing the lighter in an easterly direction.
"Effing hell!" Woods ejaculated as a wall of flame suddenly roared past him enroute the BP refinery where within seconds a massive explosion rocked the compound.
Tipton Fire Brigade station Watch Commander Paul Harpin said today that bystanders had been taken to Russells Hall Hospital in Dudley where Ms Bigtits, an Accident & Emergency nursing officer, said "she'd seen it all befire, like," during her 23 year relationship with Mr Woods.
Burns Night is on 25 January,