In an attempt to be more open with taxpayers, provide better value for money, cut red tape and respect Sir Bob Geldolf's hairstyle, the Department for Buying Useless Things, headed by charismatic Secretary of State Anne Looney, has announced some startling research results.
In a specially commissioned survey, where people were asked pointless questions by untidy people with clipboards, it was revealed that "people are more like they are now than they ever were".
This startling discovery has not only Jeremy Paxman amazed, but even Sir Stephen Hawking and Lord Winston are totally mystified. As for the short, bald Scouting chap from the Communards who edits Private Eye - he's totally speechless.
Carol Vorderman, who counts without a calculator, but who nevertheless needs a 30 second timer to do so, explains:
"This research, as any Government department would tell you, is a vital "piece of work".
"To discover that "people are more like they are now than they ever were" is only fantastic. All I can say is that if Richard Whiteley was alive today, he wouldn't be dead!"