Ballybollox, Scotland - (Extraterrestrial Mess): The Queen is in a catatonic state after a mystery craft buzzed Balimmoral Castle's seamy Colditz Wing last night.
SAS officers said a menacing swastika shaped UFO fired a series of mean-spirited lasers at the notorious erection which straddles the Castle's southernnmost extremity.
The attack obliterated Prince Philip's nostalgic collection of Nazi-themed underwear and SS interrogation technique-approved sex aids.
It also destroyed exotic botanical specimens in the Goebells Memorial Conservatory which young William brought back from his recent boat trip to Colombia.
Ballybollox Chief Fire Officer Hamish McHaggis said today his men had discovered unusual electrical wiring in the botanical wing which appeared to bypass the main Castle fuseboard.
The remains of a 50ft radio-controlled high-tech kite were also found in the Castle grounds along with a DIY Nazi-themed party kit complete with lightshow laser attachment.
Prince Harry is in hiding.