Written by Monkey Woods
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Monday, 25 August 2008

image for Queen To Bestow Honours Upon Olympic Heroes
I dub thee Sir Rowist

In a Royal Proclamation, Her Majesty the Queen has announced that she is to recognise the superhuman efforts of Britain's athletes who have taken gold in Beijing. The news was made public as Team GB flew back into the UK today.

Recipients of the Queen's recognition have already been identified. Ben Ainslie is to be made Admiral Lord Ainslie, and cyclists Chris Hoy and Bradley Wiggins will become esteemed Templars of the Wheel.

Female cyclist Victoria Pendleton will now be known as Lady Pendleton of Velodromia, whilst her colleague, Rebecca Romero, who used to be a rower, will become Dame Chainwheel.

Others to be honoured include Tom James, Steve Williams, Pete Reed and Andy Hodge, who won gold in the Men's fours. They are to be made honorary Oarsmen of the Realm, the highest honour that can legally be given to rowists, with Zac Purchase and Mark Hunter becoming Paddler Knights of the Sculls.

Swimmer Rebecca Adlington, already the Royal Mermaid, will also now be known as Lady Mansfield, amongst the Slag Heaps in her home town.

Kelly Sotherton will stay as she is.

The Queen will hand out the honours at her earliest convenience, which is thought to be well in advance of 2012.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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