Jerome Ponsenby-Smythe-Witherspoon, the Commonwealth sheep-worrying champion and the UK's only treble-barreled named athlete, has today failed a dope test at the Olympics.
Team coach, Bernard Toffe was said to be devastated, and completely legless from the previous night's drinking session in a Chinese-Irish pub. He slurred:
"Jerome was our great white hope for the Olympics. In fact, he's so good we were expecting him to do better than gold.
"In his dope test this morning, he failed on all counts.
"The examiners found that not only does he read the Guardian newspaper, but he also has a Master's Degree in classical English literature, has written several books on art and history, and speaks correct Queen's English without "umming" and "arrhing".
"Coupled with an IQ of 148, he has been classed as a clever person and not a dope at all.
"We are devastated he failed the dope test.
"However, this morning we supplied him with copies of the 'Sun', 'News of the World', 'Hello' and direct access to 'Big Brother' on Channel 4 in the hope that he might be able to dumb down and become a dope in time for his event. We've even flown in Premier Footballer Vinnie Comanazmuk to teach him spitting and bad manners in public and general loutish behaviour.
"We are just living in hope now that he can become a dope in time and not fail his next dope test."