Written by Angus McFiddle
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Topics: Knife

Tuesday, 19 August 2008

image for Knife crime statistics are wrong, says survey
100% of Britain says it hasn't been killed

Knife crime statistics are wrong, according to a knew survey by a leading Government think tank, leading one minister to accuse the media of whipping up a "frenzy of fear".

The GooYov poll, commissioned by the Home Office, has found that NO ONE has died from knife wounds in the past TEN YEARS - in stark contrast to tabloid headlines that paint a different picture.

"We questioned 3,500 people for the survey," said a GooYov spokesperson. "When asked, 'Have you ever been killed by a knife?' an overwhelming 100% of them said no."

Labour minister Harriet Harperson said the findings show that Gordon Brown is the right man to lead Britain.

"Under Gordon Brown's leadership, no one has been stabbed to death," she said today. "The figures speak for themselves. The media campaign to discredit Gordon surely now must stop."

David "Dave" Cameron disputed the survey, however, pointing to a separate poll commissioned by the Conservative party. In that survey, 400 convicted murderers were asked, "Have you ever killed anyone?" A total of 98% of them said yes.

"And even of the 2% we think they are lying scum," said a Tory spokesperson.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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