Written by Andy Woolfoot
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Wednesday, 20 August 2008

image for Fat people to power giant hamster wheels
Average fat person

HEALTH and energy chiefs have unveiled a plan to make fat people power turbines by forcing them to run in giant hamster wheels.

Government research teams from the Department of Health and the Department of Energy joined forces and spent five months drawing up a report outlining the proposals.

The report says that it would be beneficial to both departments through providing cheap, clean, renewable energy and saving the NHS millions in fat people treatment.

The fat people will be drafted in by armed soldiers from areas across the country.

Health minister Ben Bradshaw said: "This could be the simultaneous answer to the energy crisis and the obesity epidemic.

"The benefits are so obvious I'm amazed it's taken us this long to come up with the idea.

"As long as we approach our subjects carefully and in a sensitive manner, there's absolutely no reason we can't get these fat bastards to power all our homes until they slim down to an acceptable Body Mass Index level or die of heart attacks.

"Either way works fine for us, its not like we're short of fat people in this country is it?"

The announcement has prompted mixed reactions from fat people and managing directors of companies that manufacture giant hamster wheels.

A spokesman for fat pride campaign group the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance, who couldn't quite believe he was going to be quoted in newspapers twice in one month after the outrage of the WALL-E film, said with his six chins all wobbling everywhere: "This is abominabliblubble.

"We vow that fat people will never be used to power giant hamster wheels for the benefit of thin people, or 'normies' as we call you.

"The day that happens will be the day that the last sausage roll will have been pried from our cold, dead, podgy, hands."

The scheme is due to be trailed in the Cotswolds next month. If successful, thousands of giant hamster wheels will be built in Outstanding Areas of Natural Beauty across Scotland.

Bernard Manning was unavailable for comment. Because he is dead.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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