Written by Mrs Kensington
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Tuesday, 19 August 2008

image for Rooney's Mrs "Goes Beserk" in Shopping Centre
Coleen - Cake Shop Manageress

There were shocking scenes in Manchester Town Centre on Friday afternoon when Colleen Rooney (nee McLaughlin), the glamorous wife of footballing legend and award-winning writer Wayne, lashed out at a shop assistant after he refused to give her a refund on a £75 suit.

The incident comes only weeks after the UK's most influential couple's fairytale multi-million pound wedding in Italy and lavish honeymoon in the Caribbean and Las Vegas.

Onlookers watched in amazement as Mrs Rooney, who used to be the manageress of a cake shop, marched into 'Suit's You' in the city's Arndale Centre and demanded a refund on a three piece wedding outfit, which she claimed had been bought by her pastry-faced partner while drunk and without her permission.

Shop assistant, Paulie O'Dowd, a homosexual, told reporters "She marched to the front of the queue and threw the suit down on the counter, shouting that it was polyester crap and her husband had bought it while he was pissed with his scuzzy mates. She wanted a refund there and then, but we get a lot of people who wear items on a night out, then bring them back covered in beer and vomit, so I had to examine it" When Mr O'Dowd pointed out that there were obvious signs of wear and refused to give her a refund, Mrs Rooney went "beserk".

"She was like a screaming banshee," eyewitness Beryl Peacock (92) told reporters. "It was horrible. She took a Subway baguette out of her Balenciaga bag and started battering the poor young shop assistant around the head. I had to force myself to look, there were meatballs and tomato sauce everywhere".

Mrs Rooney was arrested and taken to the Midland Hotel for questioning, emerging three hours later, with a complimentary set of Louis Vuitton luggage and a basket of fruit and flowers. Though unavailable for comment yesterday, her close friend Paul O'Grady told reporters "She's Mrs Wayne Rooney. You can hardly expect her to like polyester!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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