London - (Ass Mess) Soaring gas bills are being blamed today for 1,000 people topping themselves every year.
"Yeah, but the old stick-yer-neck-in-the-oven routine is just too damned expensive these days," an Offgas source speculated.
"Customers are preferring to break into neighbors' houses and top themselves for free by plugging into the mains for a quick burst of 50,000 volts, and suchlike.
"Continuing high oil prices appear to be a good enough excuse for greedy bastards like British Gas to add several noughts onto annual bills."
Meanwhile pensioners who normally get a Government winter heating allowance are being urged by UK Chancellor Alistair Darling to use innovative schemes to cut back on consumption.
A Treasury website said today oldies would be far better off simply by bricking themselves in from November to April to avoid chilly draughts.
"Of course setting fire to something combustible - like a pesky ageing spouse - is also an altervative."
Gorgon Brown is away with the fairies.