Today, the government announced a 9% decrease in crime in England and Wales in the last 12 months, making it the lowest level of recorded crime since 1478. Home Secretary Jacqui Smith said: 'It's wonderful news, isn't it? Let's have a national day of celebration at this glorious and trustworthy and totally believeable news!'
Figures show that apple-stealing from gardens is down 14%, and riding bikes across pavements has dropped by 17%. Jumping bus queues, a horrendous crime in Britain, is slightly lower, and throwing empty crisp packets on the ground is 12% less than last year.
But other less serious crimes have risen. Knife attacks and murders have risen by 45% in one year, street assaults and armed robberies are up 32%, car thefts and manslaughter are at a record high, and many have lost trust in the police.
Ms Smith denied she was going to be arrested for making false statements, saying: 'I've never made any false statements, Labour ministers making false statements is down by 34% this year. Well, it couldn't be up, after Tony Blair was sacked, could it? With his imaginary weapons of whatsit, and flatbuying scandals, and bribes by peers.'
But former PM Margaret Thatcher said: 'That's what happens if you vote Labour, lies and crime go up. Now when we were in power, at least it was only riots and strikes and IRA bombs that increased. We are not amused.' A professional statistician was unavailable for comment.