As the UK knife-crime epidemic spirals out of control on a hour-by-hour basis, it has been sensationally revealed that the UK faces a new menace in the growing knife culture.
UK butchers have been exposed as the latest knife wielding threat to the (animal) population at large. A report due out tomorrow will reveal that all 80,000 of the UK's butchers are in fact knife-wielding maniacs, who get their kicks by cutting, slicing and dicing their prey.
Reports from up and down the country reveal that far from the stereotypical rosy-cheeked, plump, jolly figure that the butchery trade hides behind, many butchers are in fact homicidal maniacs with very big knives indeed. Eyewitnesses report seeing horrific scenes of cutting, dismemberment and decapitation of dead animals in shops up and down the country.
A government minister commenting on the worrying report said that she was urgently looking in to a new scheme to ensure that butchers visit farms to view small, cute, fluffy animals in the hope that they would understand the suffering that they inflict on their victims.
Frank Twaddle, a leading psychologist warned the public not to intervene if they were witness to any scenes of butchery. He commented: "If you come between a butcher and a string of sausages, you're asking for trouble in my opinion".