Written by Steddyeddy
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Tuesday, 15 July 2008

image for Jeremy Clarkson admits he knows nothing about cars
Some car from some manufacturer or other that Jeremy Clarkson made up stuff about

BBC Top Gear presenter, newspaper columnist, author and jeans wearer Jeremy Clarkson has admitted he actually knows nothing at all about cars.

In a frank interview with a chap called Frank from Exchange and Mart, Jeremy has revealed all. He says:

"I actually don't know anything about cars, except where to put petrol in and where to keep change for parking meters. In fact, if you asked me to check the oil or change a tyre. Sorry. Haven't a foggy clue on that.

"In fact, only last week I went to a car boot sale, parked the car the wrong way round and ended up selling the engine.

"I've actually never driven in public myself, or even passed a driving test. The chap you watch on telly is really my stunt double who just coincidentally happens to be called Jeremy Clarkson as well.

"When I start talking on the telly about pointless, expensive cars that can accelerate from 0 to 60 in 2 seconds, you may notice that I always face to the right.

"This is because all the stuff I tell you is being beamed through an ear-piece by my 14-year old son who reads it out of Autocar Magazine as I present. He has a lovely girlfriend called Leah whose father owns a slurry farm and whose mother breeds snails.

"Anyway, back in 1996 when I panned the Vectra, I knew even less than I do now - I never even knew that Vauxhall made cars, if you must know. It's just that a chap arrived at my door from Ford, who I thought made river crossings and American falling-down presidents, and he told me the Vectra had strange wing mirrors, an atomic clock and a plastic dooberry to take the tyre caps off saving your fingers from getting dirty. So I went by what he said.

"Well how was I to know people would believe the stuff I made up. I mean, really.

"I must confess though, I've not had a Christmas card from Vauxhall since."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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