Truancy, Health and Safety issues, physical and sexual abuse and bullying have all be eradicated in every British school thanks to positive action by the teaching union.
In a statement issued earlier today, the union has confirmed that British Schools are once more the safest place on earth for children.
Union spokesperson, Cary Onne said:
"We've done it. By George we've done it. We've completely stopped all harmful situations at school for our nation's children.
"As and from tomorrow, all schools will have sent their pupils home for good. There will no longer be any children on the premises, so schools now have the chance to become extremely safe for children, or in this case, lack of children.
"Parents will no longer have to worry about little Jonny falling down the stairs at school, or whether Nurse Johnson can get hold of Mary's mum for permission to put a plaster on her cut finger and Mr Bridges can no longer be accused of trying to see down 15 year-old Florence's cleavage.
"But even more importantly, we will be able to save local authorities a fortune by not having to pay public liability or third party fire and theft insurance every time we want to hold an egg-and-spoon race on sport's day.
"This is undoubtedly Britain's finest day for education and the safety of children."