When the 06:30 South West Trains service left Salisbury bound for London Waterloo yesterday morning, everything seemed normal.
Normal passengers travelled in normal awkward silence, either lost in a normal tune on their normal whatever pod or staring blankly out of the windows whilst deperately trying not to make eye contact.
Everything was normal. Until Keith Broachurst boarded the train at Basingstoke.
Unfortunately for his fellow passengers, Mr Broachurst aged 34, suffers from a rare phobia. A morbid fear of anyone being genuinely nice to him before 10:00, or 'Amicaphobia'.
Keith told us that he has learned to control his fear and is proud of the fact that, after years of therapy, he can withstand approximately seven smiles per hour without vomiting or passing out. Sadly, this did not help him on this fateful morning.
Miss Filgud, a local Basingstoke student aged 24, boarded the train shortly after Mr Broachurst and was dismayed to find that no seats were available. Being a gentleman, Broachurst promptly offered his seat to her, which she gladly accepted. Too gladly as it turned out to be.
Miss Filgud, who has a truly remarkable smile, was so happy with this chivalrous show of gentlemanliness, that she involuntarily let forth a magnificent beamer of a smile that could have lit a campfire at 100 paces.
Even though he had made a concious effort to turn away from said super smile, Broachurst was caught in the glare of Ms Filgud's thousand watt happy beam and promptly began to projectile vomit over the occupants of the entire carriage.
Within approximately five minutes, every passenger on the train was either blowing chunks, passing out, or heading for the nearest open window. 'I puked so hard, I nearly pooed in my pants' said one of the passengers. Another described the scene as 'Sheer and utter hell with added bits of carrot and sweetcorn'.
The only person on the train who was left unscathed happened to be the driver, as he was effectively upwind at the time of the incident.