London - (God's Wanker Mess): A toxic whoremonger is the prime suspect behind an Alexander Litvinenko-syle radioactive cookery masterclass after the UK top spook Alex Allan was rushed to hospital.
Allan, 59, fell ill after breaking out in a mysterious glowing rash while supping at Margaret Thatcher's eponymous Knightsbridge burger bar La Vache Folle.
Prime suspect Tony Blair, 54, has been under covert round the clock surveillance after getting caught with his new boss Papa Joe Ratzinger planning to destroy remaining crucial evidence connecting them both to the unsolved murder of Vatican financier Roberto Calvi.
Police reopened the case recently after an unnamed Opus Dei scrubber accepted the usual 30 pieces of silver and an OBE gong from Buck House.
Allan, 69, "has never, ever complained" about foreign tossers like Roman Abramovich and their London premier club mobster payrolls now outnumbering so-called UK home grown militant nutters as the biggest threat to British security.
One Whitehall source who asked tor remain anonymous said today: "OMFG. OMFG."
Gorgon Brown is shitting bricks.