Written by Obzy
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Topics: Driving, Road Rage

Friday, 4 July 2008

image for Road Rage Breath Tests to be Trialed in UK
FFSa-ke, just let me dance!

For many of today's urban motorists, road rage can be a debilitating condition that can turn a pleasant roadtrip into a stressful nightmare from the pit of hell itself.

How many of us have suddenly and inexplicably found ourselves flapping around in the driver's seat like a rabid monkey on crack, just because another road user has accidentally cut us up?

Thanks to the wonders of modern technology, geniuses and other assorted clever ideas from people much smarter than you or I, an answer could be just around the corner.

After some three years of research, a group of English scientists at the Institute of Road and Traffic Enforcement (IRATE) have discovered that drivers who are prone to bouts of road rage, or ragees as they have come to be known can be detected by means of a simple roadside breath test.

Utilising equipment similar to that used for detection of alcohol in the blood, these boffins have found that another chemical, codenamed FFSa-ke, is responsible for the overblown and dangerous reactions of ragees.

Police forces across the country have been issued FFSa-ke detection kits and will be carrying out field trials in the near future. They will be easily distinguishable from regular roadside stops, as they will be wearing government issue dayglo green bandanas and will dance into the road in front of the vehicle who's driver they intend to stop for testing.

For a driver who is found to have dangerous levels of FFSa-ke in their bloodstream, there will be three choices. Pay a fine of between £30 and £60 with a licence endorsement of at least three points, join the police officer for a dance by the side of the road, or attend a Happy Meeting held at their local civic centre within three weeks of the offence.

Happy Meetings will be funded by local councils and run by approved IRATE councillors, trained in the use of tickle sticks, fun bats, handshakes, and electro-shock dance therapy. Sessions will involve being locked in a dark room whilst being forced to listen to the theme tune from Top Gun repeatedly for three hours. After this, surviving attendees will be given the opportunity to discuss their feelings about road rage and how they intend to avoid it in the future. At the end of the session, lukewarm tea and soggy biscuits will be provided for those who have not run screaming out of the centre and into the path of oncoming traffic.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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