Written by matwil
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Topics: Oil, whiskey

Friday, 4 July 2008

image for England discovers oil, and invents whisky
England's biggest asset

After hundreds of years of living off Scotland, England today discovered there were oilfields in Lincolnshire, and discovered how to make whisky.

Since 1898 England hasn't brought in any income to the United Kingdom, and indeed has cost Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland a small fortune in taxation, without actually doing anything, while the rest of the 'UK' did all the work. But today, as English MPs began buying houses in Scotland, a few people in England thought that insulting their income-earners was clever and amusing.

Speaking from an armoured car, 20 miles south of the Scottish border, Labour MP Tony Blairisntaclanname said: 'Well, um, ya know, the rumours that English are babies that need tough Scots to look after them are untrue, over to you, David Cameronisntaclanname.' And the Conservative leader, checking that the Inland Revenue were taking in billions from Scotch whisky sales and Scottish oil revenues, added: 'Well at least I'm not Menzies Campbell or Charlie Kennedy, they're real Scots. Can we dissolve the United Kingdom now, mummy, before the Smelly Socks invade us again?'

To raucous laughter in Edinburgh, Nationalist leader Alex Salmond said: 'Aye, without us the English would be a third world country, no wonder they let us steal £450 million off them to build a huge office block here. And they can't even play football any more!' But English Nationalist leader Nick Griffin disagreed: 'Look, OK, we're reduced to making jibes at the Scots and Irish, as even Pakistan is more important and wealthier than England now - maybe someone should start a children's political party for people that vote on skin colour and paranoia, oops too late, that's the United States.'

Sir Oswald Moseley was on holiday in Rome.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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