Caribbean - (Huge Ass Mess): A right royal storm has broken out after an unnamed sailor on HMS Iron Puke was found to be carrying 'up to five kilos of high grade cocaine' up his arsehole today.
The anonymous twerp may have been chosen for RN drug-mule duties because of his inherited anal capacity to store copious amounts of cuntraband (sic).
A navy source said today that the perpetrator was in the brig awaiting immediate deportation back to Blighty where worried Admiralty honchos are meeting Prime Monster Gorgon Brown in a frantic damage limitation exercise.
The culprit's stick-insect faghag/girlfriend is under 24/7 observation by Met crack teams.
Their surveillance breakthroughs in the last two years have resulted in the current gigantic news blackout of any references to Clarence House drug dealing.
Prince Charles is Lord of Darkness Temporal.