A fantastic, wonderful and brilliant exhibit, or installation, as the artistically-challenged prefer to call it, has opened in the Tate Gallery, despite there being no sign of the artist.
Following on from rows of house-bricks, that ugly woman's dirty bed, Martin Creed's lights on and off and his current 30 second gallery-sprinters, this new exhibit is set to take both the modern art world and the visually impaired by storm. But its artist seems to have disappeared.
Curator of the Tate, Dr Alfred Notaste explains the new exhibit.
"It was an extremely cold day, and this rather arty-looking gentleman, who I knew was a famous artist, was standing in the room.
"I couldn't put a name to him, but take my word, he was an extremely talented and really famous artist. I know, because his old camel coat tied with string, his dirty hat, torn trainers, matted, nicotine-stained beard, odour of alcohol and black and white mongrel on a rope was, to me, and my staff, the ultimate giveaway. You know what these famous arty-farty types are like!
"Anyway, he was standing in the middle of one of our empty galleries, and he was shouting 'exhibit! exhibit!' and pointing in the air.
"Straightaway, I knew it was him. This was the artist of our new installation, "Empty Room", and we immediately paid him £150,000 and put him forward for a Turner Prize.
"However, when we returned to the gallery half an hour later to discuss a potential press reception in his honour, we discovered that while we still had our new "Empty Room" installation, there was no sign of the artist. We did find his old coat and one of his trainers in the gents'.
"Our lady on reception, Imelda Dimly-Lytte did report a one-shoed man running through the foyer shouting "I'm rich and I'm off for a meal, bath and some new clothes", but I don't think that could have been our artist. Artists, especially ours, do tend to be so refined you know. Well, except that ugly woman and her dirty bed.
"And I suppose dead cows in a display case are a bit off. But you know what I mean."
The new exhibit "Empty Room" is currently on show at the Tate until they find some other rubbish to pass off as art to shove in it.