In a shock move today, the leader of the Scottish Labour party resigned after admitting to not fiddling the books.
Speaking from her castle in Paisley, Wendy Alexander said: 'I know, it was wrong. I broke the rules, which say that all Scottish Labour leaders are required by law to have their fingers in the till, and their snouts in the trough, and to half-inch everything that isn't nailed down. When the SNP exposed me as being honest I had no choice but to tender my resignation, and claim back £3186 in black cab fares.'
Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond, in his own castle, stopped polishing his Hollyrood silver spoons to say: 'Once again Labour have proved that there is no place for honesty in Scotland, once again their leader has stolen nothing and bribed nobody, and once again I'm waffling sanctimonious crap. Wonder when my sainthood is coming in?'
And former Scottish Conservative leader David McTealeaf added: 'Tsk tsk tsk, Wendy should have done what I did, and get caught earlier on, and then go back to being an ordinary MSP and really get the thieving going!' And Jack McConnell added: 'We must tighten procedures up so that future Labour leaders are properly regulated, to make sure they don't let honesty happen again.'
Wendy Alexander is the first Scottish Labour leader to resign for not stealing, as former leaders Donald Dewar and Mr McConnell himself practically made corruption into an artform, so the party may consider bringing in a professional thief to make sure that once again expenses are fiddled and funds are diverted. Rob Roy McGregor has declined becoming party leader, saying: 'Not even I could steal as much as a Labour leader has to do, why not try Ruth 'Ned' Kelly?' Alex Salmond was seen going into the nearest pawn shop with a bag full of spoons.