In his never-ending hunt for stealth taxes to impose on a tax-weary public, the Chancellor has announced a series of bold new measures to cut CO2 emissions, reduce energy waste and generally increase the burden of tax on the public to pay for Crapita, EDS and the thousands of consultants employed by government to waste taxpayers money.
In a statement leaked to the media earlier today, the Chancellor is due to announce the following new green taxes in his emergency budget next week.
Trees will now have to pay income tax, PAYE and VAT in proportion to the number of leaves they shed each Autumn.
Daffodils will come into the inheritance tax net for the first time.
Gardeners will have to pay a new stamp duty each time they tread on a snail or squash a slug.
Squirrels will be subject to corporation tax in relation to the number of trees they jump to and from in an average day.
There will be a special showroom tax on Flymo and Qualcast grass mowers.
And fly tippers will be subject to the new fly tipping tax which includes an proportionately increasing rate depending on how far from home they are when they throw their black sack of rubbish or old sofa out of their car window.
The Chancellor said: "We have been forced into this corner because we are fast running out of things to tax in order to balance the deficit caused by our overall incompetence.
"We believe that the time is right to bring in some new taxes aimed at alienating the last few remaining Labour supporters left in the country."