In a glittering ceremony held at the Heathrow Ibis Hotel - bring your own wine - the Prime Minister presented the awards to the great, the bad and the downright disgusting at the first ever "Annual Spam Email Awards".
Sponsored by Spam, that pink-coloured, indigestion-inducing, meat remains in a blue can stuff, the awards acknowledge the worst in bandwidth-hogging, time-wasting emails from fake email addresses extolling the virtues of products you don't care about at a time when you care even less.
Attracting a global entry of 11, representing those responsible for 95% of the world's spam, the Prime Minister remarked:
"I believe these awards are actually awards and that they truly represent, er, awards."
Some of the categories were as follows:
BEST HEADLINE prize went to James W Anker of Wyoming for his "Refresh your Penis" spam email, with runner-up being "Your tool can bore your wife with interest" which went to James W Anker of Wyoming.
MOST USEFUL SPAM went to newcomer James W Anker of Wyoming, for his "Lose pounds with Anatrim" email, while runner-up went to another newcomer, James W Anker of Wyoming, for his pertinent and snappy "Viagra at $95 for 100".
MOST CREATIVE spam went to yet another newcomer James W Anker of Wyoming for his snappily titled "Canadian pharmacy supplies meds you need", which, in the eyes of the judges only narrowly beat James W Anker of Wyoming's "Replica watches for you".
CONTRIBUTION TO PUBLIC SAFETY went to a late entry from James W Anker of Wyoming with his "Weight just drops off", while runner up was a double from James W Anker of Wyoming's "University Degrees" and "Softwares (sic) available for immediate download"
SPECIAL CONTRIBUTION TO BANDWIDTH USAGE went to the Nigerian Oil Minister whose 139 nephews, each of whom were bequeathed $25,000,000, yet were willing, via messages from their believable free gmail and yahoo accounts, to share it with members of the public.
All spam emails were praised by the Prime Minister for their contribution to the economy. He said that it was great to know that you could pay your money and never see it again. A bit like EDS, Capita, Trillium or that bunch of tax-evaders the government sold their buildings to.