(London, England) - The British Borders Agency, saying only that "we continue to oppose the entry to the UK of individuals where we believe their presence in the United Kingdom is not conducive to the public," today banned style guru and stock cheat par excellence Martha Stewart from entering Britain.
Stewart, speaking from an airport lounge in New York, was flabbergasted by the denial.
"You'd think England, where most of the food tastes like it was made from sawdust and cow entrails, would be desperate for my presence and advice. Just think how many people will now never learn the proper way to wrap packages for the holidays."
Stewart, who was convicted on stock fraud charges four years ago, set off numerous bells and whistles when her application for a visa arrived in the office of Thought Police vice chairman Winston Smith, who immediately went into hurried consultations with officials of the Home Office and a drunken Prince Phillip. After concluding that Stewart's mere presence in England would represent a massive threat to the tweed industry, the visa was denied.
"Martha Stewart is not only a convicted felon, but she's also a major pain in arse," said Smith. "We are not certain there is enough lace in all of England to handle the certain increase in homemade doilies that would likely result from her visit."
When it was pointed out to Smith that numerous actors and musicians have been free to enter the country despite a sheaf of felony drug convictions that would choke a horse, the Thought Police chairman answered in typical neo-English fashion.
"Who are you? What is your name? How would you like it if we looked into your background, missy?"
Stewart had planned on meeting with numerous businesses in England as part of her ongoing effort to make the entire world look like her living room. But she took the news with her normal style and grace, even managing to find an upside.
"Well, at least now I won't have to eat any bangers and mash."
Ms. Stewart then sailed out through the doors of the airport, threw a few coins to some dirty faced urchins she noticed crouching on the sidewalk, then hopped up onto a litter being carried by six muscular eunuchs and was off to her next no doubt stylish destination.